Families Where Grace Is in Place: Building a Home Free of Manipulation, Legalism, and Shame

I happened to come across this book in my Amazon history and had to write a review. I'd completely forgotten that I'd read it but it's completely changed my life.My husband and I have both come to terms with our childhoods but when we read this book, we had two small children and a lot of hurt and confusion. Our parenting strategy was mostly avoiding all the things we knew we didn't want to do. This book gave us a unifying theory of parenting. THIS is why it felt wrong to do what our parents did. THIS is why we were experimenting with other methods.So here we are with two kids who are 11 and 14. They have their struggles, of course, but they are both the kindest humans I've ever met who are confident and thoughtful. We've guided our children but never punished them. We've apologized for our own mistakes and forgiven them for theirs. And it shows. When they were younger, we occasionally faced judgement from people who thought we weren't strict enough, our kids weren't obedient enough, etc.But now I can see the results. The people who criticized our choices? Their kids have to rebel...what other choice have they? And they struggle with shame and lying and all sorts of problems. Even the "good" ones tend to be petty and judgemental.At our last parent-teacher conference for our older child, the school director said, "You have basically the perfect teenager. He's not pretending to be perfect, he's just a great person." That pretty much sums it up.

VanVonderen, J. (1992). Families where grace is in place. Minneapolis, MN: Bethany HousePublishers. Pages – 172.In today’s culture raising a Christian family presents more than a few daunting challenges. This challenge can be felt in our own misconceptions of how we can be most effective in our marriages and child-rearing. We can be our own worst enemy. The theme of this book is that having a proper understanding and acceptance of the place of grace in our family relationships will best result in a healthy and God honoring family. Our focus of attention should not be on the application of pressure, control and manipulation, but on a proper heart-felt understanding of both our role and God’s.Using easy-to-understand acrostics and many illustrations, the author clearly and winsomely differentiates between the grace-filled and non-grace-filled families. He speaks to the importance of getting beyond addressing behavior and to the importance of seeing the need motivating the behavior. It is not our place to “fix” those in our families, but to depend upon the Holy Spirit to both serve and equip those in the family.The usefulness of this book comes in three forms. First, the author suggests a sound theological understanding of the role of grace in the family. Secondly, he brings practical application, painting various illustrations of what a healthy and Godly family might look like. Additionally, the size of the book, the chosen vocabulary and acrostics make this an ideal book to suggest to a broad range of people.Patrick J. Knapp, PhD.

As someone with complex ptsd this book was healing for me as a person, and extremely useful in teaching healthy family behavior. It was also helpful in recognizing generational unhealthy patterns so that I can break free from them. As a former child of a narcissist family, this book is very useful for teaching healthy ways of relating.

This is by far one of the best books I've ever read. Jeff VanVoderen is a fantastic author. His focus is on real life, heart change based on Grace and portrays God as a Father who wants to help change all people from the inside out.VanVoderen correctly applies Scripture in showing the reader that God is less concerned about standards and more concerned about finding Joy in Him.He goes onto explain that we often try to find fulfillment in other people or things - a classic look at modern-day idolatry. Much of the book has to do with parenting and his own struggles in leading his family in becoming grace-filled rather than using shame-based methods in interactions.This book can also be a great eye opener for those who have experienced spiritual abuse or who'd like to avoid spiritual abuse in their families and lives.After reading the book I walked away encouraged, challenged, and grateful for a God who would love His children so. I hope to pass on this attitude of grace towards others to my children and generations to come.This is definitely amongst my top 5 books of all time.

This book truly does help you to understand the importance of grace in our families. It deals both with the marriage relationship and the parent child relationship and gives a helpful perspective on how we might demonstrate grace in our homes. I really appreciated how the author dealt with his children and emphasised the need to keep them free of shame. He gives stories of his interaction with them that demonstrate how empowering 'grace - filled' conversation and actions can be. Well worth the read.

Read this once, will read over and over to digest and make sure I am applying grace to my kids.

This is the first parenting book that made me feel excited and inspired to be a parent, rather than T.I.R.E.D. (Trapped, Indicted, Responsible, Exposed and Defensive). But it is really so much more than a parenting manual. Because it is about developing an attitude rather than an arsenal of techniques, the principles can be applied to any relationship.Ultimately, what the author does is to teach us how to restore our primary relationship - not with our spouse or our kids, but with God. He does that first by pinpointing precisely where the trouble lies in every unhealthy relationship: we are literally looking for love in all the wrong places. By turning to others to fill us instead of God, we can only be disappointed, because no person can be all that we want them to be, all the time, nor should they be. These unrealistic expectations lead to burn out, resentment and stress for both parties. Regarding children - our focus on outward behaviour instead of intrinsic worth as given by God leads to either outwardly compliant kids who are inwardly seething with anger, or kids who rebel because they reject hypocrisy.Be prepared for a lot of self-examination. The author is thorough in his portrait of the "curse filled" (as in codependent instead of dependent on God) relationship, and there were many times I found myself thinking, oh, yes, I have gone down that path, and only now do I see what harm it has caused. There are many traps on the road to a spirit filled life, and he also points out the more subtle snares that people could fall into (for instance, many use work as a way to avoid their spouse, even "spiritual" work - he says that can be a form of adultery. Yikes!)Yet in every instance of getting "caught in the act," so to speak, I never felt any sense of shame or guilt while reading, but a sense of relief in finally understanding what was happening, of awakening to truth, and a resolve to be more aware. In his writing, the author practices what he preaches - his lessons are full of compassion, and they inspire one to live better, not wallow in one's mistakes.

Everyone should be able to offer grace in their relationships rather than shaming and blaming, which happens WAY to much, even among Christians. This book is right on in terms of biblical basis and practical application. A must read.

Very informative with lots of real life meat and potatoes to back it up. It's nice to know a man who has walked the walk is talking the talk from experiences and willingness to appropriate Christ life in all circumstances. Other people's behavior is not or responsibility.

This book is practical. From experience of clients and families Jeff writes with such sympathy and clarity. People can dig into patterns of speech and conversation that can be very unhealthy and demeaning. He contrasts Curse-full words with Grace-full words with transforming results.