The ADHD Effect on Marriage: Understand and Rebuild Your Relationship in Six Steps

Melissa's book "ADHD Effect on Marriage" is like a Bible for couples in troubled relationships due to the fascinating brain condition, that is ADHD. The content, style of writing and the tools offered are excellent, professional and most of all practical & actionable. The author is able to display the positive and negative aspects of Adult ADHD when it is not treated appropriately, by acknowledging the difficulties of both spouses equally. Melissa has had the firsthand experience of being in an ADHD relationship and being able to work through it, which puts her high up along with other professionals, and in my book may be even more. I see a lot of comparisons to Gina Pera's book "Is it you me or Adult A.D.D.?" in the other reviews, but I don't think there's any need for comparing the two books because even though both talk about ADHD they both have very different approaches. It is important to see what fits for each person. That doesn't make Melissa's book or tools any less important or valid. I am a Mental Health professional in the field of Social Work as well as an individual with a partner who has ADHD. Melissa's experience and knowledge as described in her book not only helped me to a great extent to understand the dynamics of my own relationship, but helped many of my clients as well to whom I have recommended the book. I believe that Melissa speaks the language which is familiar to anyone with ADHD without hurting anyone and also is able to guide couples very well through her detailed descriptions and steps in the book. I highly appreciate her passion, sincerity and dedication to share the knowledge to help others who are in a similar situation, through the journey of recovery and healing from the "ADHD effect" (as she says). Anyone who has lived with a partner with ADHD can easily identify with the dynamics Melissa has described in the book. I like the fact that she talks about `denial' in both spouses and places emphasis on the symptoms and responses that play a major role in ADHD affected relationships. I can see that it could be difficult for some non ADHD spouses to accept their part and it is part of that process of passing through the stage of denial which appears to be the most important phase for both spouses to move forward. I can understand this from my own experience. I would say that it is important for both the spouses to make a conscious choice and decision to remain in the relationship and work through the problems, after understanding the positive and negative factors of ADHD in a relationship. This book will play a major role in facilitating that understanding. It also gives great insight into both realities of ADHD and non ADHD and will help the spouses appreciate the differences which is the main key in the process of repairing the relationship. I haven't found a better resource than this book if one is interested in reversing the patterns that are common in ADHD affected relationships. I would highly recommend this book and give Melissa all the credit for her excellent work in this field. I also wish her all the best and success for her future work, much of which is needed as we have just started to understand Adult ADHD and there's a long way to go.

Update: Oh, how important it is that this material be presented widely! And, learned while young, could likely prevent years of heartbreak & harmful personality adaptation patterns which are hard to break when well established and layered with the challenges of aging. My DH has refused to invest in the thousands of dollars over the course of the first year that therapy or coaching for him, therapy for me re: eggshell/walking living, and the all important therapy for the marriage would require. He became (apparently predictably) depressed, when, once medicated, he began to take in his large part in our difficulties. It had been his pattern all through the years to dismiss and blame me, and now I expected real improvement, and it seemed valid, yet overwhelming. His behavior became more passive-aggressive and deteriorated to the point I could no longer live in the same household, for my own sanity, waiting for a "good moment" with him, much less anything requiring compassion and forethought. He doesn't believe in the available help, after so many costly therapy sessions that went nowhere. He's tired & hopeless before he really began. I am going through a difficult divorce now, yet believe it must be for the best. Help get this into the hands of young people, and some inexpensive way for average folks to be personally guided, as books and ADHD often don't mix well. Thank you, also, for your teleseminar, Melissa. It was well done. I may retrain to assist in this field, seeing the huge need. Melissa has done an excellent job of laying out the ramifications of un or under addressed ADHD's effect on marriage. What is sorely needed now is a weekend workshop for couples and therapist certification in the methods recommended here. With 16 years of this marital challenge behind us, divorce was very much on it's way, and yet with this book we both have a new ally, a resurgence of hope. I will go to the next therapist, put this in his or her hands, and say "read this, and handle us this way". Something resembling the Gottman's weekends and therapist training is needed to offer a lifeline to the many couples headed for divorce unnecessarily, if they just had help. Interactive settings are often much better in getting through to ADHD folks than books. Having a respected presenter say the same things the non-ADHD partner is trying to express should increase credibility, and open the door to understanding. Books are simply not enough. A non-profit method to provide this help to lower income folks would have a huge impact. It may be too late for us. We needed to put to use this type of information and support a very long time ago, and while I have read many current, excellent books on the subject, this one hits home as the best. Hope we can scrape ourselves together for another try. Thank you, thank you, Melissa for bringing forth this validating, useful, wise book.

This book should be required reading for any couple in which one or both spouses has — or suspects they might have — ADHD. If I had read it just one year earlier than I did, it probably would have helped prevent divorce. I have ADHD and was the poster child for Adderall. I thought it fully normalized me. With its help, I was able to get two masters and a doctorate degree in physics. Sure, I struggled with organization, but I thought it was manageable. I was well-liked by most people…except, so it felt, my wife. My wife saw my messes at home, heard my promises to do better, and was sick and tired of having to remind me to do chores around the house. She was annoyed that I was well-liked and felt like I was a hypocrite—only she knew the “real me”. She nagged me mercilessly , even when I begged her to give me space. She hated that I withdrew to play games, read or just rest, rather than doing the things she demanded me to do. She felt lonely, deeply angry, and very much unloved. Nothing I said would make her believe I loved her. She lost trust in me. She felt perpetually exhausted, thinking she had to take care of not just herself, but me also—as if she was my mother and I was her child. She eventually left me. Our story is not unique. Couples impacted by ADHD are twice as likely to divorce. This book describes the almost inevitable problems that couples impacted by ADHD face and the symptoms of ADHD, misunderstandings and responses to those symptoms that can make those problems so difficult to understand and break. This book offers a level-headed, sobering and extremely relatable depiction of ADHD and the surprising ways it affects marriages. Orlov expertly argues that neither spouse is necessarily more to blame: both play a role and both have work to do to repair the relationship. I have bought almost a dozen copies to give to friends. I cannot recommend it enough!

Informative, helpful, great tips and exercises that will help! The only downside I will say is that the first half is nearly excruciatingly redundant. As the non-ADHD partner in this marriage, I found all of the redundancy annoying. "Get to the point!" "Get to the helpful parts," I kept thinking to myself. The point of the first half is for people who don't know the impacts ADHD has had on their marriage/relationship or if they are on the fence or dubious of ADHD having any impact or unsure if they even have ADHD or are unwilling to treat their ADHD at all. My ADHD husband said the repetition helped drive home the point for him and he found that helpful. Let me assure you, treating ADHD should be taken VERY seriously! Even if there aren't violent outbursts, or constant verbal abuse, there is damage happening every single day due to the effects of ADHD in your relationship! This book can help you realize these effects and how you as the non-ADHD person make it worse and how it tail-spins into the death of your relationship! I very much wish we had this book (and others informing us as to the effects of ADHD on relationships or ADHD effects on adults) 16 years ago! It could've saved us a lot of heartache and troubles! This author's openness about her own experiences are touching and informative and give hope. Her tips and advice are as helpful and hope-giving! I hope you get this book and get as much help from it as we have!

I am a non-ADHD spouse married to my husband who has ADHD. By the time he found this book and suggested it, we had legally separated after 14 years of marriage. We had tried everything, but had been going in increasingly negative circles for years. Although neither of us wanted to sacrifice the past 14 years, we wanted to live like we had been, for another 14 years, even less. Reading this book confirmed by suspicion that all the therapy, counseling, romantic getaways, communication, etc. in the world will not fix a marriage where untreated and unmanaged ADHD symptoms are present. This book represents the unvarnished truth, from someone who has experienced the issue intimately and has the communication skills to convey what she has learned. But the book is not just touchy-feely; she delves into the research in an approachable way, and gives exercises in each chapter for the reader to gauge where they are at and what types of ADHD symptoms/responses are causing the most problems. I felt, at many points during the reading, that she was reading my mind. Her advice for the non-ADHD spouse to stop the destructive reactions and instead focus on "who you want to be" was, in fact, EXACTLY what I had said to myself just a few months prior, and the reason I separated and moved out. The bottom line is that both people in the partnership need to take responsibility for their own behavior. But, as anyone who is searching for this book knows, this is much easier said than done. The author validates the concerns of both ADHD and non-ADHD partners, while giving some gentle tough love that is necessary to move things forward. I felt very validated after reading this book (I'm not just a shrew!) and visiting the companion website at [...]. With some hard work and honesty on both of our parts, we are now reconciled and experiencing a whole new relationship (better than when we first met, in fact). But even if it hadn't worked out, this book would have helped greatly with enhancing clarity on the situation and creating an authentic self to take forward as a divorced, newly single person. If you are in a place where you think this book might be helpful, it probably will be. You have very little to lose and much to gain.

As a psychotherapist, I highly recommend Orlov's book, The ADHD Effect and Marriage. It has not been that long since it was realized that children do not just "outgrow" ADHD--they grow up to be adults with ADHD. True ADHD (which includes ADD, as well) has a neurological basis and it goes right into adulthood. Any couple with one ADHD spouse (especially if in their 40's or older) probably has lived in a less than optimal marriage relationship as a result of untreated or undertreated adult ADHD. Marriages where one spouse has ADHD (especially untreated or not fully treated) have a much higher rate of discord or divorce than other marriages. It does not have to be this way. Orlov doesn't focus only on the ADHD spouse, and herein lies an important part of her insights. Treatment is not merely a med script, given to the ADHD spouse, in a 15 minute session by a psychiatrist (although this most certainly can be a very critical part of treatment.) Both spouses experience what Orlov calls the ADHD effect and it is critical that both partners are involved in understanding this for proper treatment to occur. If both partners are not involved, then treatment is not being fully implemented. Every mental health professional should have this book in his or her office. It is not only for lay persons. Couples/Marital therapists often don't know how to incorporate a therapeutic plan to include the ADHD effect on the marriage. Often, they miss it entirely or think it is only a minor thing. It is no minor thing. It can make or break marriages. Knowing how and why is critical for any couples/marital therapist. Any couple who has one partner (or both) with ADHD/ADD---this book is excellent. If you are experiencing marital difficulties, get a copy of this book, read it and sign up for one of Orlov's phone courses which are transformative. IF you go to a couples therapist for marital issues, make sure you take this book with you--make sure the therapist clearly understand ADHD/ADD and how it affects each partner and the marriage. If this is not understood, then couples therapy can be less than helpful, perhaps even harmful. As a psychotherapist, I found that this book addresses both ADHD or ADD (both fall under the heading of ADHD now.) If ADHD/ADD is an issue in your marriage then this is a must-read book! Orlov has hit on something no one else in the mental health field has. Check out her website, too. Lots of information there. Don't let ADHD wreck your marriage!

If we could give this book more than five stars we would! Melissa Orlov's approach in "The ADHD Effect on Marriage" fundamentally shifted both my and my husband's perspective on what we were dealing with within our marriage. After nearly a decade of living with ADHD within our marriage, and at least one experience with a therapist who "completely missed it," we found a wealth of information, examples and kindred spirits in the pages of Orlov's book. Her ability to accurately describe "the effect" and how it shows up in a relationship really hit the mark for us. As a result of reading her book we also chose to participate in her Couples Seminar and have found that to be equally as valuable. Orlov has a solid grasp on the patterns and timing of "the effect" within a relationship and speaks equally to both partners regarding the ways in which they contribute to "the effect" and uses that insight to help de-mystify the complexity of the relationship and provide a constructive and positive path forward. Orlov gave us the background, the language and the techniques to create our customized approach to what works for US. As a coach and a strategist I find a lot of books written on theory and very few well-written ones on application. Melissa Orlov's paired approach of theory, anecdotal experiences from broad perspectives, her own experiences, and suggestions for finding what works at home is engaging and refreshingly effective. Pre-requisite: the desire to find a better place in your marriage as opposed to the desire to "fix your partner."

I cannot begin to thank Melissa Orlov enough for her work. This book helped me tremendously and it gave me hope when I thought everything was hopeless. I have severe combination ADHD and anxiety, only diagnosed in my forties. The illuminated the parts of the ADHD struggle that I am positive are not clear to others with ADHD - the non-ADHD spouse's struggle, but also their inadvertent role, and the book is written in a similar way for the non-ADHD spouse. This is one of the few books that I have read where both sides are so clearly discussed. So many of the stories, including those of the author and her husband, so closely mirrored the same issues my wife (non-ADHD spouse) and I experienced. Even though my wife was not "on board" yet, when I bought the book, it was still amazingly helpful for me. The author's own story with her husband, mirrored my experiences with my wife (she the non-ADHD spouse). Even if things were to keep going downward, the book gave me the courage to continue, even if only by myself. I can't thank the author enough for her inspiration and her own courage in an area that is very misunderstood. I am positive that her work saved my marriage. I encourage you to read her other book "The Couple's Guide to Thriving with ADHD" http://amzn.to/2dqFcRD it is very helpful for learning more about daily struggle and how to work together.

Great guide to understand the consequences of ADHD

My husband has ADHD. I never understood what it is and being a very organised person I felt like I’m the only one doing the household. The book opened my eyes and I changed my expectations and also changed some things around the house and we are still together 9 years strong. Recommend.

Well written, well explained and with a good logical progression of thought that helps you work through it methodically and effectively. It addresses both partners and treats both very equally, with little to no judgement about the situation you find yourself in. Definitely worth a read for anyone who knows someone with ADHD, or for people with it.

This book genuinely shifted the way I approached my marriage. As someone with ADHD, it was validating and confronting in the best way. Orlov combines research with deeply relatable case studies. It’s not just about blame or symptoms—it’s about building empathy and strategy. A must-read for any neurodiverse couple navigating love, frustration, and communication breakdowns.

I think this is a great book and I had many lightbulb moments reading it, BUT that doesn't mean it's for everyone. I've been married to an ADHD husband for 36 years and never fully realized that "the way he is" is in fact ADHD until now. Learning about it, and working toward understanding ADHD is a NEW concept for me. If you already know your spouse has ADHD and you've been learning about it, this book may or may not tell you anything you don't already know. For me, this book was the first I've read on the subject of being "married to ADHD", and I've only read one other since (both JUST recently). Loving someone and hating them at the same time REALLY messes with your head when you don't understand WHY the person behaves the way they do sometimes. If you've come to a point where you honestly don't care about the why anymore, I can understand that too, and it would probably be best to just call it a day, decide you're incompatible, and end it for the sake of your own sanity. But if your relationship is important enough to you that you're willing to learn about ADHD and come to understand that "it" is the problem, this book is a really REALLY good starting point for you.