Saving Your Second Marriage Before It Starts: Nine Questions to Ask Before -- and After -- You Remarry

As a pastor of over 25 years, I have used several books as part of a pre-marital counseling regiment. Drs. Les and Leslie Parrotts' books are the best, by far! Not only do the Man's and Woman's Workbooks (I suggest ordering them with the book) make premaritial counseling simpler, I have found that this book hits the nail on the head. Couples who went through the "Saving Your Marriage Before It Starts" material in preparation for marriage thanked me after they were married, and they shared how valuable this material was in the daily grind of life. This volume adds additioanl material to address the compexities of a Blended Family. Although blended family issues cannot be dealt with thoroughly, the Parrotts share the most important considerations (and offer other resource suggestions on page 186, footnote 6). I first heard the authors at a Moody Pastor's Conference in the late 1990's. It did not take me long to determine that I would check out their books. I have since concluded that Drs. Les and Leslie Parrott are exceptional in the realm of understanding human relationships. Althogh the book is written by a godly Christian couple, this is more of a relational book than a spiritual one, so I would not consider it a complete pre-marital regiment, but a good anchor book. Couples already married (even for years) will find this material valuable as well (and will kick themselves for not having read it earlier). Whether used in counseling or simply read by a couple in their own quest to prepare for marriage, this book is a gem. The Drs. Parrott seem to have a realistic (and well documented) grasp on the nature of marriage and the additional complexities of bringing children into a new blended family. This is practical, hands on material. The book is arranged around 9 questions: Are you ready to get married again? Have you faced the myths of marriage with honesty? Can you identify your love style? Have you developed the habit of happiness? Can you say what you mean and understand what you hear? Have you bridged the gender gap? Do you know how to fight a good fight? Do you know how to blend a family? and Are you and your partner soul mates? This is basically the 7 questions from "Saving Your Marriage Before It Starts" with two additional questions added to tackle a blended family, thus, "Saving Your SECOND Marriage..." Of course no couple entering marriage could honestly answer all those questions with a "yes." But the book provides a good start and helps couples begin to face reality and potential areas of growth. If a couple follows the exercises by purchasing the workbooks, (like identifying some of your own personal "commandments"--rules you live by that you picked up who knows where and expect your spouse to know and agree with), it could preclude many potential tensions later. To those of you considering a second marriage, go through this book together, and cosider at least some of the exercises in the workbooks. To pastors and Christian counselors, I urge you to read this volume and consider using it!

Amazing

As someone who unfortunately went through a divorce, I know personally how much harder it is in your next likely-to-turn-into-marriage relationship, because doubts start popping in your head if you will make the same mistakes the second time. I believe anyone who goes through a divorce should attend therapy, as it is a way to work through the emotional issues of grief, shame, sadness, and other pesky emotions that come with a divorce. But there are also some things a person should do on their own in terms of healing from their divorce and becoming ready for another serious relationship, and reading this book is definitely something I recommend. It contains practical discussion about common areas of conflict among couples, and helps ones recognize if there are weaknesses in those areas in the new relationship, as well as discusses how to recognize issues and resolve them in better ways than perhaps one has done in the past.

This book is a must for anyone pondering a new relationship. Please get the workbook that comes separately, as the reading material is useless with a reference to the exercise workbook.

In preparation in getting ready to start again after my wife died, I decided to dedicate some time to renewing my mind, and make sure if I could learn and start out a new relationship on the right foot. I would highly recommend this book. As a Christian and thru my share of marriage type seminars, I knew a lot of what this book already contained, but the authors did a great job bringing it home and in an organized fashion. It is an easy read, but I decided to pace myself and really contemplate the subjects. Some of the statistics that were given are very eye opening, and being a committed husband before, I wanted to make sure I did as much as I could to be in that slim percent of successful second marriages with kids. When I got into a deeper relationship, asked and did also purchase this book for her with the recommendation that if she wanted she could read it. It was met with the same thought, and we call it "The Book" in our conversations. We intend to go back thru together as we get to the point of the big E, but this time with the workbooks that I understand they have. I would highly recommend it...... highly recommend.

As a divorced person, I have often felt like there are many books written about marriage, but few that deal with the specific issues that I can only imagine affect second marriages. Not content with reading just another book about the general subject of marriage, and not really wanting to read another book about divorce, I was very pleased to be given this book on remarriage. After reading through it, I feel so much more confident now about my ability to enter a second marriage and not be trapped by fears and insecurities that resulted from my first. I feel much more able now to look objectively at the areas I still need to heal and grow in. Praise God for the careful work of Drs. Les and Leslie Parrott in addressing this seldom-addressed issue. I HIGHLY recommend this for anyone who is divorced, even if they haven't yet addressed the possibility of remarriage in their life. [Edit on Jan 10, 2008, about six years after the original review!]: I have come to not necessarily agree with everything that the authors write in this book. But I did find it extremely helpful at the time I read it and wrote this review.]

First of all, if you're thinking about getting married, don't leave this book to be the last one you read before getting married. If anything, I'd recommend reading this as soon as you and your partner think you want to get married, BEFORE you even get engaged. Most of the concepts in this book are good (and I do recommend that if you use this book, you go through the workbooks together as well). However, these are light topics. It's all fluffy, happy stuff. There is no guidance about what to do when problems begin to arise, as they inevitably will. For that, I recommend reading the drier but more relationally useful book Love Busters. The biggest problem I had with this book, which is why I took two stars off the rating, is that there is a scenario in which the husband is emotionally/verbally abusing his wife, and the authors condone his behavior, blame it on the wife (victim-shaming is NOT cool), and then say that she should just ignore what the husband is saying. Nowhere do they mention that this is abusive and unacceptable behavior. Remember how I mentioned the Love Busters book earlier? That book does a much better job of explaining what behaviors are unacceptable in a marriage and exactly how they are harmful. In summary, read this book before you are engaged, and then read Love Busters and its related books after getting engaged. This book is for dipping your toes in the water of marriage books, but to make sure that you know HOW to have a good relationship, keep reading and getting deeper into marriage skills than this book will take you.

A "must have" for anyone who has been divorced and is looking to remarry. Sadly (but not surprisingly), many 2nd (and 3rd, 4th...) marriages fare no better than the first. IMHO, one big reason, is that unless you do some SERIOUS soul searching/counseling/whatever, not only do you bring the same baggage you had the first time, but also the baggage you accumulated in your previous marriage(s). I'm not being harsh - I did the same thing after my first divorce; I waited 10 years before becoming engaged again and STILL wound up with another broken relationship (fortunately, we called off our engagement, but it was still plenty painful). This happened despite being a Christian, despite going through more than a decade of 12-step and going through a good bit of counseling. What I hadn't learned yet was I kept choosing someone who, though smart, romantic and fun, ultimately wasn't the right one for me, and even more important, I wasn't the right one for her. This book has definitely helped me figure a lot out. No, I'm still not in a committed relationship (for many reasons, I have chosen to stay single the last several years). Despite this, I think this (along with it's related study guides) can be very helpful in helping people find true love that lasts a lifetime.

An eye Opener and Truth revealing book. Awesome insights from the author. Recommended for all couples and about to be couples. Really Blessed

I loved it and the information is very timeless and applicatble

This is a very Christian book, fyi, and offers nothing a few articles online wouldn't. My main criticism is that the authors really have no idea what hardship in relationships is like and the examples of what couples have overcome are so mild that if you are contemplating another divorce because you can't decide who should hang up pictures on the walls (actual example), then this is the book for you. But if you are dealing with anything even remotely serious from your first marriage or entering into your second marriage or the dynamics involved in this potentially complex triangle, this book will make you wretch- frequently. The examples of the author's own personal struggles are all from their college days as a couple and really cannot touch the issues faced by older folks and especially ones going into a second marriage. Their offerings include not expecting the new step parent to take on the role of parenting until enough time has passed that they have a solid relationship with the children. I think this is already on the mind of people entering second marriages, especially anyone who would bother to read a book in preparation, so save your money and read a few articles online, and then find another more substantial book if there is one. This one is insultingly lightweight.