Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist: How to End the Drama and Get On with Life Paperback – Illustrated, August 14, 2014

I don't know where to start. The book is dead on. It's humbling and comforting and empowering. Humbling to realize the part I play--and boggling that I couldn't see it on my own. Comforting to understand certain traits in myself that baffled me. And ultimately, empowering to know that little by little I can create a complete life--hopefully one with less fatigue, fewer migraines, less anaphylactic shock, and less muscle pain. Sound like you? ;-)I've mostly been living in the cut-off part of the caretaker spectrum (avoidance), where I knew I had vulnerabilities, but I didn't understand them. I knew I possessed traits that made me excel professionally (in a helping profession) but did not serve me well personally. I could go on, but I think I'd write a book.There are a lot of good books out there to supplement this one. One possibility might be Feeling Good by David Burns, MD. It's basically on cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT). There's a workbook, too, that's well reviewed, although I haven't bought it (I kind of made my own workbook). For example, right now, even in the mostly cut-off caretaker phase, I have some people trying to suck the life out of me. From a CBT standpoint, I try to switch my internal response from a flight or flight involving the f-bomb (which I don't tell them, hence the migraines) to: "This moment is a gift. Think of the part I played--how I wanted to help them when I first met them, thinking that'd be adequate to alleviate their anxiety. Yeah, stop doing that when I meet people. When I have the urge to help, remember this crazy-making moment. Instead, evaluate the situation and myself first." Joseph Shannon, PhD, whose seminars I've taken through the Institute for Brain Potential (and who led me to realize that borderline personality disorder (BPD) probably best described a parent, and I knew that understanding that parent would lead to self-awareness) advises that you hold strict, unwavering boundaries when you first meet someone with BPD. Dr. Fjelstad's book mostly addresses how to handle things once they're in your life. It's such a huge issue, that many sources are probably best. Dr. Fjelstad's book is at the top for me.Thank you, Dr. Fjelstad! May God bless you and yours.

I wish I had found this book years ago, or at least one year ago, when I finally acknowledged my relationship was unhealthy. Maybe I'd have that year back of my life and things would have improved in my relationship OR I'd be moving on with my life, without my partner. I wish I had known what Borderline Personality Disorder was. The information in this book is very simply delivered and yet profound. You can get through this book pretty quickly which I think is important for someone who is completely drained of energy and feeling hopeless, constantly wondering if/how things will change or improve. Here is one of the main messages in this book: YOU (the caretaker) must change in order to have a better life. You need to stop hoping and stop trying to make the BP/NP change. Prior to "Stop Caretaking" I read "Should I Stay or Should I Go?" by Lundy Bancroft. That is how I realized my husband possesses many traits of BPD. I also highly recommend "Should I Stay.." for anyone struggling in an unhealthy, destructive relationship.If you have been struggling in a relationship for years like I have, you probably have already been implementing some of the coping mechanisms outlined in this book--but it is validating and empowering to have a mental health expert telling you are not crazy, you are doing your best, and give you more tools to alleviate some of your problems...I struggle mostly with boundaries, saying no, and not giving into the BPD's demands. I have been practicing though, and it does get easier, and I don't get as disappointed, injured, or angry when he has an "episode".I also recommend getting the audio book so you can listen when you don't have space or privacy to read. It was a nice supplement to the book. BUY THIS now. Don't waste anymore time. If you have a loved one who you think is in an unhealthy relationship, give this to them.Side note: I can appreciate someone with a borderline/narcissistic personality disorder being mildly offended by being referred to in this book as " the BP/NP". However, the author is doing her best to simplify the information and get it across to the reader. This book is for the caretakers.

I kept asking "Was this author in my house?" Insightful. Practical, effective advice. True to the title. Consistent with the training a psychologist gave me. Highly recommended.